I Don't Do Sports (Normally)

Normally, I don't "do" sports.

I have no time.

Normally, I have no interest.

I do, however, watch the SuperBowl. Well, that's not true. I TiVo the SuperBowl - that way I can fast forward through all the absolute crap that the armchair quaterbacks (the announcers) have to say - and I can skip all the completely useless stats that they feel compelled to share every 20 seconds or so.

Plus, I have twin 5-1/2 year olds - who will never sit through one episode of Spongebob - forget about a 4-1/2 hour game of grown men trying to beat the hell out of each other.

I could really care less about who was playing (I didn't even KNOW who was playing until it started), or where they were playing (Detroit - but only because Mick Jagger said so at halftime).

I was there for the halftime show.

I figured there would be little chance of seeing any more breasts flying around - but there was something equally as funny: Keith Richards still alive.

I mean, really! The Rolling Stones could all qualify for Social Security - and here they are prancing around "singing." Mick - I saw you in Vegas and you were great - next time they ask you to do a halftime show - try to actually hit ANY note and try to remember the words to your own damn song!

Oh, and lose Keith Richards. At least he didn't sing (as he did in Vegas) - but don't let him walk around and try to "play guitar" at the same time. Not gonna' work. Not enough brain cells left. He can't chew gum and walk either. Trust me.

Was it as good as a "costume malfunction?" Nope. Was it worth injuring my "fast forward" finger to get to the halftime show. Sort of. Would have been much better to see Keith in his natural habitat with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, drunk, weaving dangerously close to the edge of that massive stage...

But hey, what do you want for a free show?

When Less Is More

I am sick to death of bloatware.

I was trying to explain to a novice user how to use Microsoft Word for creating tables of contents and indexes. To create a table of contents - it's fairly simple - just assign styles to your headings (using the styles "Heading 1", "Heading 2", etc) and then click to generate a table of contents. Easy, right?

Wrong.

If you use styles, there are approximately 15,000 settings you can use to control every single aspect of the paragraph, hot keys, leading, kerning, borders, shading flow control, bullets and numbering, alignment, space before, space after, line spacing, hanging indents, font, size, character spacing, text effects, indents, outline level, line breaks, page breaks, widow control, hypenation, languages, spell checking, dictionaries to use, and about 80 other settings - PER STYLE.

To a novice user - this is... hmmmm... overwhelming at best. To someone that is a professional writer, author or has to format loads of documents in a consistent way - it's really a godsend. To everyone else (98%?) - it's just plain overkill. The "average" user (myself included) will probably use about 5% - 10% of that functionality (on a really complex document). The rest is a waste of programming, documentation and adds un-needed complexity to an already-complex piece of software.

This is why people use Notepad and WordPad. A lot.

I think you can say the same thing about most of the software and hardware you buy today. I bought a cheap digital watch for my son the other day, and there was a 12 PAGE instruction booklet on how to set the date, time and use the chronograph functions. Talk about convoluted! There are only 4 buttons on the damn thing and to get anything done I had to do a virtual ballet of pressing, holding, tapping and pushing to work through all the various settings. I mean it's a damn WATCH for goodness sake!

All those extra features are nice, mind you - but I'm just trying to see what time it is. I'm not programming an Altair!

All this from someone that uses technology for a living. I mean, I'm fairly comfortable with software, hardware, gadgets, etc. and STILL most things are such a hassle, I don't bother with them. God forbid if I ever lose the instructions on how to setup that watch!

Thankfully, there are some pieces of software and hardware in my life that are so easy to use AND useful, that I can't imagine my life without them. They solve a real problem without being cumbersome. They have a function and do one thing really well. They are easy to setup and use, and that makes me want to use them more.

A couple of examples are the iPod, my DVR (Digital Video Recorder), my text editor, and my... gulp... iMac.

Two out of the four are from a single company. Apple.

They "get it" (most of the time). They have pretty, simple, easy-to-use products and the marketing budget to make them "cool." The iPod player is not the most full-featured MP3 player on the market, the iMac still uses a PowerPC chip (until the dual cores start shipping soon) that isn't as fast as the Intel chips in my Dell, iTunes isn't the biggest online music source (or the least expensive). It's all about the simplicity. The attention to detail.

The text editor I use is TextPad. It's like Notepad, but with a spell checker. It has basic text entry, word count, good search/replace features and it's inexpensive. I use it a lot. In fact, most of the time. Like now, writing this Bob's World column.

But if I had to pick a single product that is the one that I use the most - I would have to say it's my Digital Video Recorder (DVR). Gone are the days of clunky programming with a remote, flashing "12:00" timestamps, forgetting to put in a VHS tape or taping over the twin's birthday party with an episode of Lost.

Point, click, record. Choose to record a series with two clicks. Set and forget. Done.

Watch two shows while recording another - check. Block content so if the kids get up early they aren't "accidentally" watching the latest Chris Rock special on HBO? Check. Record movies from HBO that are on in the middle of the night? Check. Browse by show category or title - so I can record a special show while on the road? Check.

Most of the time - I think more features isn't better, it's worse. People are just trying to get their damn work done so they can call it quits and go home. Period. Less is more - especially when it comes to "everyday" hardware and software.

If less is MORE, why don't more companies do it? Two reasons: Easy is hard; and adding 1,000 features has always been the way (in the marketer's mind) to get people to upgrade/switch/buy.

Easy is good because people are less confused. People who are less confused have a better experience with the product and are able to more quickly get something accomplished - which is what they were hoping for when they bought the product in the first place. Engineering "easy" is hard. Executing "easy" on a consistent basis and remaning "flexible" is hard. Making "easy" look good is hard. Convincing engineers not to add complexity while increasing functionality is hard.

Hard but possible.

Hard but necessary.

Customers vote with dollars. When it comes to useability and getting something done - easy is better.

Note to self: May I help to do for software what the iPod did for music.

When $450 Million Just Isn't Enough

SO.... you've probably heard that the Canadian company RIM (makers of the Blackberry - better known as the "Crackberry" because you're never away from email) - got sued by a little company called NTP - alleging that RIM is using one of their patents without payment.

In an "oops, my bad" moment - RIM offered to pay NTP over $450 MILLION dollars for the right to LICENSE their patent. NTP politely took a pass, then sued their ass in US court. RIM has been trying everything short of phoning a friend trying to get their patents thrown out.

They've even appealed to the US Supreme Court - saying that the "good bits" of their technology runs in Canada, eh, so they are exempt. Well, today, the US Supreme court denied their request.

The good folks over at NTP have asked the court to shut down RIM sales and service in the US.

Hmmmm... that would be a bad thing.

NTP, in short, has RIM by the short hairs and they're giving a good old squeeze. Well, good for them - that's good ol' American capitalism at it's glorious worst. I guess they feel they can do better than the $450 mil.

Maybe they are smoking the drapes? That's almost half a BILLION dollars.

To make matters even more interesting - looks like the USPTO (US Patent and Trademark Office) is going to deem the NTP patents invalid.

Yeah, invalid. As in, "ooops, we bad. We should have never allowed it in the first place."

If I were the greedy gophers at NTP - I'd run out and buys some old Steve Miller CD's (better - dig out the old vinyl albums), start singing "Take the money and run", get a six pack, suck it up and settle for the measly 1/2 billion bucks RIM is offering.

NOTE TO SELF: Get patent on the word "the."

I Hate The Phone

Well, that's not really 100% true. I love the phone when I'm trying to get a hold of someone, but then I go back to hating it when I have leave a message.

OK, so I'm sticking by my original statement: I hate the phone.

The problem with a phone call is that it's the same thing as randomly driving by someone's house to see if they're home. Sometimes they are, most of the time they're not.

So, then you leave a message. They call back. You're not home. They leave a message. You call back. They're not home, so you leave a message. And on, and on, and on, and on, and on it goes until finally, you both happen to be at there at the same moment, they are not screening calls, they don't have another call on hold, and you can actually talk.

Then you have nothing to say after 5 minutes.

So, you've wasted about 15-20 minutes playing phone tag - for a 5 minute conversation. Not terribly efficient.

But it gets worse.

At work, I'm usually multi-tasking and in deep concentration for most of the day. That is - until - you guessed it - someone calls. The thing that sucks about getting a call when you're trying to get something done - is the sheer immediacy of it. You must stop to answer the phone, then you have switch you mind completely out of what you're doing to focus on the questions/problems/suggestions of the person on the line. Then, after the call - no matter how short, you have to spend time trying to "get back into" whatever it was that you were doing before the call.

As soon as you're back "in the groove"... you get a call. I hate the phone.

You can't get away from the evil effects of the phone once you leave home or leave the office. This is why the evil corporations that rule the world have devised mobile phones. Now you can be annoyed 24/7 no matter where you are on earth. There IS such thing as an "off" switch on a mobile phone - and I use it often. BUT, just by carrying it (because after all, I may need to get a hold of someone NOW!) - I'm "quilted" into turning it on every now and then to see if have messages.

If I have no messages - I start to wonder why people don't call me more.

It's a sick plan by telcos to drive you slowly insane and whose next plan is undoubtedly a mobile phone chip implanted into your skull.

But it doesn't even stop there. You can become an innocent victim of the phone at your favorite retail establishment. Have you ever gone to the checkout at a department store (of COURSE there is only one person working and of COURSE there is a line of 10 people waiting) - when the $6 per hour, 19 year old, couldn't-grow-a-beard-if-he-had-to "associate" gets a phone call from a customer wanting to know if they have a certain piece of clothing in a certain size and certain color. What do they do? They leave the register and check!

Screwed by the phone yet again!

I hate the phone.

Phonebooks! What the hell?

The phone company - or some of their undoubtedly under-paid minions - dropped off a load of phonebooks this morning. One for each phone line we have. 6 books. 5 inches and 20 pounds each.

There are enough dead trees in there to create 500 reams of "real" paper - not to mention the fact that now I have to find something to do with them (yes, I AM too damn lazy to just throw them out). Recycle? Nah, I'm not exactly a tree-hugger.

Hmmmm.. what to do? What do do? Inspiration!

Top 10 Things You Can Do With Phonebooks:

1. Toss them over your balcony and listen for that sweet-sounding "thud" as it strikes an unwary pedestrian.
   
   
2. Put them in front of your neighbor's door and let them deal with it.
   
   
3. Place one each in the men's bathroom - there will always be something "new" to read.
   
   
4. Give your shredder a REALLY good beating.
   
   
5. Rip out random pages and broadcast fax to 100 of your closest friends.
   
   
6. Tear out random white pages so you have some good phone numbers when you're drunk dialing.
   
   
7. Take them with you when you go to the grocery store and leave them in the cart as a parting gift.
   
   
8. Auction them on eBay.
   
   
9. Makes a perfect "Arbor Day" gift.
   
   
10. Rip out all the coupons and trade them for coupons you REALLY want (then put a gun in your mouth and kill yourself - you have no life)
    

Software Should Just Work

My life revolves around the computer. I use lots of software - LOTS. I'm at the computer waaaaayyyyyy too much (just ask my family). Now, I'm not the world's most prolific computer user ever invented, but I'm in the top 50% of people that actually read documentation and actually try things on my own before pushing the big "panic" button and go running to tech support.

Apparently, I'm also in the minority of people that can actually check email, setup a new email account, use formulas in Excel, use styles in Word, and surf in multi-tabbed browsers. Each one of these skills I've learned either on my own, through decent documentation, or by the school of hard knocks. And yet, I use maybe 1-10% of each program's true features.

Why is that?

The reason is that today's software is so damn complicated.

Every program tries to win the feature war and be "everything to everyone." It's just ridiculous. Software is meant to help automate a process - usually a process that would suck without automation: word processing (remember the IBM Selectric?), spreadsheets (remember paper?), web browsing (remember going to the library and reading books?), email (remember licking envelopes and things called "stamps"?).

Do we need to go 8 dialogs deep to set up security settings? Is there a burning need to have a drop down menu of 9 different "Format" options for styles? Since when did creating a website require that we have 50,000 floating palettes of "helpful information at our fingertips." I don't have that many fingers, I'm getting old, and my eyes cross reading 8pt or trying to click one of 200 buttons that are 5 pixels by 5 pixels each. I mean, really!

I'm not saying that all software blows. There are very useful programs out there that are truly innovative and do what they say (like Servoy!) - but there are others that are just so difficult to use - that I'm convinced that no one has actually used the crap in "real life" before they got the bright idea to ship it.

Do engineers actually use the software they write? Do marketing pukes who put the "check mark" features on the box - actually USE the software and try to do the things they say it will do? Do salespeople actually use their own platform/software to try to get stuff done?

In 99.999% of cases - I'd say it's a resounding "Hell NO!"

The engineers sit around thinking up "great ideas" utilizing the latest technologies but then they implement it in such a way that only engineers can use it.

The marketing stooges read 5 web sites and 5 magazines and then run down to the engineers and say "Do we have (your buzz word here) in the new version??" Then they proceed to wine, bitch, moan and behave like 5 year olds until they get marketing copy on the box that is a laundry list of de jour "must have" features. The only problem is - that in 95% of the cases the reality doesn't live up to the hype. Either the feature is too hard to understand, or called with such arcane commands or buried 7 dialogs deep - that it's impossible for the user to actually use the feature.

The sales folks (in most cases) wouldn't ever actually use the software they're selling. They really don't know anything about the software except what Larry, Schemp and Moe have lead them to believe the software will do. Whether or not the software actually DOES a particular thing - doesn't really matter

- EXCEPT to the person buying it.

Before I get too much hate mail, let me say that I realize that a lot of computer users are "documentationally challenged", often can't chew gum and walk at the same time, and if a single click doesn't work - will try to click 150,000 times - just to be sure (you know who you are).

Look, the bottom line is - software should correctly solve a real problem. And it should work. And it should be appropriate for the targed user. If you're selling software for novices - but don't want to piss off "power" users - have a "dumbass mode" so people just starting out can make it work. On the other hand, if you have a tool that is meant for developers - don't "dumb it down" for the occasional novice user. Developers want developer-grade software.

And no matter what - software should just work.

Thought For Today: May God grant me the grace to practice what I preach...

Happy V.D.

It's Valentine's Day.

Time for reflecting on those loved ones that are important in your life.

I'm more fortunate than most. I've had the privilege of spending the last 20 (give or take a few) with my long-suffering, wonderful wife. I mean, really, honestly - would YOU want to be married to such a cynical S.O.B?

I didn't think so.

I mean, I can be a real pain-in-the-ass. Really. Not kidding.

Those of you who know me personally, know what I mean. I have a VERY low s**t tolerance, I say what's on my mind, I tell the truth (from my perspective) whether you want to hear it or not, I've been known to drink like a sailor, I tend to piss people off by saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times (whether or not I'm "right" doesn't matter) and I'm generally grumpy around people most of the time. But, I say what I mean, and mean what I say. ALWAYS.

My idea of a perfect vacation is to be holed up by a pool or other body of water (or in a bar with nice, comfy couches) with a large rum drink and a stack of bulls**t mystery novels. The only people I want to "interact" with are: 1) a waiter or waitress to get me another drink and/or 2) my family who are with me at the time. The end.

No chit-chat with fellow bar patrons, no sight-seeing tours, no taking calls from "important" people on my cell phone, no checking voicemail, no timeshare spiels, no running, no horseplay, no gum chewing, no lifeguard on duty.

I even leave my laptop at home. What part of "unplugged" confuses you? Where's my drink? Are you GROWING that f**cking orange tree from a seed? Is that steak going to happen TODAY? You get the picture.

Quite a "dream" catch, huh?

This month also marks the 10th anniversary of ClickWare. Another love of my life, sometimes a mistress that I lavished too much money and time on. The lure of good business has sometimes clouded my judgement on the truly important. I spent a good deal of my twin children's first year (the toughest time in raising children - at least in my case) traveling 6,000 miles away making money for other people. I've been "this close" to revolutionary ideas that make a heap of cash only to be torpedoed by others who were more savvy (at the time) and who played a game that I didn't even know existed.

I started one of the first "membership" sites on the world wide web in 1996 to great promise. It faded just before the big cash "bubble" came into play.

I'm not a TOTAL loser - I've done pretty well over the years - there are just some things that hindsight have made too crystal clear. Things that sometimes keep me up at night. Things I wish I would have done or said. Things that I now know that I wish I'd known years earlier.

Some things can't be taken back. Some things can't be undone. Most things I would never change - even if I could.

The number one thing I would never change - is meeting my wife. I literally KNEW, from the moment I saw her - that someday she would be my wife.

I was 16 years old.

I got married to her at 25.

The 9 years in between were not the most pleasant in my life. We got together and broke up 4 times. Finally, a mutual friend invited both of us to her birthday party (without telling either of us the other would be there) - and we got back together - this time for good. I made the decision that it's time to s**t or get off the pot - and I didn't want to lose her (again). I asked her to marry me - and to my utter surprise, she said yes.

We married in the summer of 1990 - in the sweltering heat of beautiful downtown Bakersfield, California. We were young, thin, sexy (I even had a mullet!), dirt poor and happy as hell.

It's the single best thing I've done in my life. Bar NONE. Well, maybe except having children with her. But it's definitely in the top two!

My wife is a true friend. She's seen me make a total ass out of myself, she's been there to share in the triumphs and flops, been there "in richer and hopefully not poorer" (actual wedding vow I made to her), been there to encourage, to push, to help, to pull, and sometimes carry me to achieve things that others have said were "impossible."

She's been the most patient, loving and kind parent to our twin children. She has sacrificed her high-paying career and years of study to get her MBA to learn how to be the best mommy she can be. Then she kept on doing it. Full time. Day in and day out. For the past (nearly) 6 years. She is a truly remarkable woman - a truly unselfish person who has given up so much of her own dreams for the well-being of our family. I wanted her - and everyone else who reads this column - to know just how special she is to me.

To my wife, Brenda - I would be lost without you. I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Thought for today: Tell the person that's special to YOU - how much you care about them.

Shop Different

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

Apple announced its line of retail stores this week with the slogan "Shop Different." I, for one, WANT to Shop Different. I'm tired of going into a super-mega, warehouse-style concrete behemoth and TRY to find anything I'm actually looking for. "Use the Web", you say. I do. A lot. However, there are time when I just need (or want!) something RIGHT NOW.

What did we ever do before the web? Maybe I'm showing my age here, but there was a time that one would actually (gasp!) drive to a store, walk down the aisles, pick out a piece of merchandise, pay for it and leave. If one had a question - there was (usually) an informed, knowledgeable person waiting (and willing) to answer questions (or even find out the answer if they didn't know) and, sometimes, help one to make a more informed buying decision by comparing the pros and cons of competing products. The salesperson (there were no "associates" back then) was usually a person who knew from personal experience what worked and what didn't. The good ones could (and would) offer tips, advice and helpful information based on their knowledge and past experience. In general, they actually wanted to help, and cared whether or not you, the customer, would be satisfied with your purchase. They valued your business, and really wanted you to come back in the future and buy more stuff.

In direct contrast, I went to 3 "brink and mortar" stores looking for a keyboard extension cable for one of my Macs. I was a man on a mission. It seems every time I mentioned "Mac" in one of these very well-established, well-known, national, we-have-everything stores - all I received in return was a blank stare. "We don't have Mac stuff." "A keyboard what?" "All of our cables are on aisle 426B." You get the idea. About 2 hours into my quest, I realized that I had unrealistic expectations about finding the cable, without, perhaps, driving to Fry's (a computer specialty retailer about a half hour away). In the end, I just logged on to Mac Warehouse and ordered the thing – and received it the next day.

On the other hand, I went to Home Depot (a massive warehouse chain with everything you need for home improvement) to try to find a replacement for the 15 year old kitchen faucet that had finally given up the ghost. I talked to an associate named Dave, an older gentleman (and ex-plumber) who went WAY above and beyond the call of duty to help me select an affordable, reliable faucet from the 50 models hanging on the display rack. He advised against purchasing the model that I was initially going to purchase because he said the manufacturer has historically had a problem with the plastic sealing washer, and suggested 2 other models (from different manufacturers) that were more reliable. I wound up buying the more expensive model, and went away totally confident that I made a good purchase.

On the eve of the Grand Opening of the Apple Store in Glendale, CA (about 45 minutes from my house) – I hope that Apple will provide a retail experience as great as its technology. I WANT to Shop Different. I'll let you know what I find out.

http://www.apple.com/retail/

Update May 20, 2001: I went to the store in at the Glendale Galleria and there was a LINE. Yep, I'm serious. There was a line that was at least 100 yards long! People waiting to get into a store! Who knew? The store (from the outside looking in) is beautiful, and was fully staffed with Apple folks and TONS of security people. There was also a whole lot of purchasing going on... Wow.

Wireless-Ish

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

Every consumer magazine, trade magazine, computer magazine, and ezine are hyping wireless "solutions" these days. Today's writers and software vendors are shouting the the new mantra from the mountain tops: "m-commerce" (Mobile Commerce). M-Commerce? Give me a break. I'm having a hard enough time getting a reliable CELL PHONE connection - never mind a secure, e-commerce connection. Seriously, there are parts of the metro Los Angeles area that don't have normal, plain old cellular coverage. And forget it if you're "off the beaten trail", or you're in the mountains, or you're - gasp - actually moving when using your wireless device.

Yes, I know, there are more and more towers going up all the time, and the phone are getting "smarter" and can connect to a wider range of signals (analog and digial) - but it just plain "don't work" too much of the time. Even if you had 100% clean, reliable coverage I'm not conviced that people will try to buy much of anything on phone with a 3 line display. I mean, really, are YOU looking forward to "tapping" your way through entering your name, shipping address, phone number, email, credit card number and expiration date out on a cell phone? Let's see...

22 = B
666 = O
22 = B
0 = space
222 = C
88 = U
7777 = S
444 = I
222 = C
55 = K

25 "taps" for my name. Rrrrriiiight. Homey don't play that. OK, you say, what it might not be practical on a cell phone - but how about a PDA. It's much easier to "type" on one of those. I agree - but no matter how much I love my Palm Vx (and I DO love it!) - and assuming I bought the $300 wireless modem and paid the $35 per month for service - I STILL wouldn't do it that often. Why? Too much work. Instead I'd just wait until I got to a wired public access point (another much-hyped, "didn't really work out" technology of two years ago) and use my computer to connect with a fast, secure connection.

You've gotta' crawl before you can run. Just because you CAN connect to the web on a cell phone or PDA - why would you? A more logical first step first step could be the implementation of BlueTooth and other wireless networking technology infrastructure in places I'm likely to be (airports, hotels, and in the home) - THEN having an alternative INPUT device would be great. But still, even then, people will will have to click, type, tap or scrawl to place an order. This is less than ideal. Generally, people want things to be easy - especially if they're parting with money for goods or services. We really need something as easy to use, as intuitive, as... oh I don't know... a phone.

For "m-commerce" - or anything wireless beyond stock updates - to become truely pervasive we need voice-activation. I mean, my parents (not the most tech-saavy people on the planet) have to be able to use it. I'm not talking about some super-charged voicemail-hell type of application ("...press 1 to order, enter your 16 digit account number followed by the pound sign...") but a true, voice-activiate, intelligent application ("...buy FileMaker Pro Unlimited using my American Express Card and ship to my home address..."). THAT will be the "killer application" of 2002 (?), not "m-commerce" on a cell phone.

Look Who's Talking Now

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

Whoa - I can't believe how fast time flies! ItÕs been quite a while since my last column... For those of you who read this column (bless you all!) thanks for your patience!

A lot has happened since the last time we spoke:

• My wife, Brenda and I had TWINS a boy, Brennan, and a girl, Brooke (yes, I know, 4 B's!)
  
• I've discovered the JOYS (and raw speed) of SQL-based databases coupled with a web front-end
  
• I've discovered the TERRORS (and pitfalls) of SQL-based databases coupled with a web front-end
  
• I missed my first MacWorld in 6 years (by choice)
  
• ClickWare un-merged with Stratisoft
  

Being a dad is a trip. It's really been "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" - and I'm less than a year into it. It's changed me as a husband. It's changed me as a businessman. It's changed me as person.

Now, prior to this whole experience, I knew about the birds and the bees - but I simply had NO IDEA how complex the entire ordeal of having a SINGLE baby was - not to mention having twins. Having a baby does very strange things to a person. For example, prior to my wife (and I) being pregnant (well...more her than I), I have probably used the word "vaginal" about 2 times in my life, and the word "breast" maybe a few dozen. Yet during the tribulation of pregnancy, I found myself comparing notes and talking about breast feeding and vaginal versus c-section deliveries with anyone and everyone I met - regardless of the social (or business) occasion.

And then there were the books. My god. There are color pictures in those books that would make Morpheous go back to a normal day in the Matrix. I mean, for the love of all that is human and decent - they don't need to publish that stuff! But, being faced with an unknown situation, we read. And read. And read. And read, and read and read. I think I have every book available on the subject of rasing twins, what to expect when you're expecting, what happens after you're expecting, what to expect when you least expect it, books on why you SHOULD breast-feed, books on why you should NOT breast-feed, books on dicipline starting in the cradle, books on starting dicipline in the womb, books on BOOKS about every issue a scared-as-hell-first-time-parents-of-twins needs to absolutely CONFIRM that they, in fact, ARE becoming their parents.

It all began on a completely "normal" day on March 24th, 2000. My wife ("I'm as big as a house!") Brenda wasn't feeling too well, so we went to the doctor's office. WHIZ-BANG he called over to the hospital to have another sonogram (our 8th) and some fetal monitoring done. We went in - and never came home.

Turns out Brenda (my wife), had been in labor for at least 24 to 48 hours. Funny, not how we pictured it. They check her in to a private room, hooked her up with more wires and contraptions than a server farm and then left and said "...it's all up to the babies, honey...". Well, sort of.

The fetal monitor was whipping up and down (like an EKG machine used on Squad 51) and after a while, I recognized those little "spikes" as the contractions. The bigger the spike, the bigger the contraction. The bigger the contraction, the more pain. The more pain, the less feeling I had in my left hand from my wife squeezing down with a super human vise grip. The doctors then decided that it would be a good thing to try to inhibit the labor (stop the contractions) to see if they could get the babies to stay in their mommy for a couple of more days. They started an IV, and introduced some heavy-metal chemical.

Then the barfing started. Not just any old barfing. I mean the really nasty, "I've been drinking Tequila shots for two days and want to curl up next to the toilet", gut-wrenching puking. The nurse was great - she gave me 6 kidney-shaped, pink plastic bowels to catch the vomit (that I had to rinse and re-use - only $20 each!). I STILL have a hard time eating jello and diced carrots...

Somehow, we made it through the night.

At 9:00am the doctor called to say that "today was the day" and that he'd be there in the next hour to perform a c-section. WOW. This WAS it. The next hour was a blur: harried cell phone calls to family, seeing Brenda wheeled out on a gurney to "prep", my family showing up, her family showing up, putting on "one size fits all" green paper surgical clothes... and then... waiting. Pacing. Waiting. Pacing.

Finally, The Moment had arrived... "Mr Cusick? Please follow me..."

I don't know what I expected, but I KNOW I didn't expect what I saw. There was a fairly large room with TONS of people in it (2 teams of 2 nurses and a doctor [one for each baby], 2 incubators, 2 surgeons, 2 nurses, my two sister in-laws [one on video and one on still camera], machines everywhere, and my poor wife hands strapped in a cross shape and barely conscience. As soon as I got in there and pulled up my surgical mask, a radio started, I sat down to hold Brenda's hand, saw the laser start up and smelled the first incision.

I am WAY out of my depth here.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

"Here comes baby A - the boy!" The first team of three spring into action. I hear a nurse say "...he's not breathing..." Frantic activity to my right. "Here comes baby B..." The second team appears out of thin air. I hear a small, muffled cry to my right, and a small muffled cry to my left.

Freeze frame. Tears. Terror. Joy. Fear. Love. Compassion.

"...Daddy - do you want to cut the cord?"

"Huh?"

"Do you want to cut the cord?"

"Ummmmm... OK." Snip. My Son. Brennan. 4 pounds 15 ounces. Snip. My Daughter. Brooke. 5 pounds even.

They put the babies into a plexiglass incubator and were going to take them away without even showing Brenda. That is, until one of the nurses said "NO. She needs to see them, just for a second." She wheeled the incubator over to Brenda and briefly held up each baby (5 seconds). More tears. What do I do? I've been married to this woman for 10 years - in love with her far longer - and yet my children were being carted away. I stayed until Brenda told me to go with the babies.

They stayed in the hospital for the 10 longest days of my life. Everything was touch-and-go. We rejoiced at each additional ounce they ate, at even heart rates, un-assisted breathing. Then IT came. The day we got to bring them home.

Tiny, tiny babies who have been cared for 24 hours a day by 4 shifts of trained professionals are now left in the care of new parents whose puppy peed inside until it was 10 months old. Two completely helpless PEOPLE who are dependent for their every need on a mommy who can't yet walk right and a daddy who has absolutely no idea what he's doing. Yet, in the end, we got through it. Faced it head-on. 14-16 bottles and 14-18 diapers per day. Every day. Including weekends. At the end of the first three months, we had gone through over 1,500 diapers.

We're now on to the new joys of military crawling, saying "Da Da" and "Ma Ma" and teething. They change every day. They recognize me in the morning. They fall asleep in my arms at night. It's the hardest, most wonderful thing I've ever experienced.

Why 2K?

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

So it's a new year (and new Millennium - well, not until 2001, but close enough) and I just got back from the MacWorld 2000 convention in San Francisco, CA. I went to do a (free) session called "FileMaker and the Web - Just Do It!". The session went very well (250-300 in attendance - standing room only) - and hopefully they each learned something they didn't know coming into the session.

I've been going to this show every year since 1991. In the past it has been a great place to see other FileMaker developers, meet with FileMaker engineers, get the latest "buzz" on upcoming FileMaker releases, etc. I've also managed to do quite a bit of business either on the show floor, at a lavish FileMaker party, or because of personal introductions to potential customers by others. This year - not so much.

On the good side: I got the chance to see many old friends at the FSA dinner, had a lunch or two with some long-time FMI employees (and ex-Claris folks) and got a chance to talk with the FMI big wigs for an hour before the FSA dinner (at the Partner meeting).

On the room-for-improvement side: The show seemed small - although it still occupied both the North and South halls of Moscone Center in downtown San Francisco. A lot of the booth space seemed to be cancelled at the last minute because there were lots of "blank" spaces in the middle of the aisles that were hastily filled with food court chairs. There were a lot of hardware vendors hawking everything USB. In horrible colors. Everywhere.

Although the Apple booth was interesting, and they had some cool Cannon digital video cameras above each of the DV iMacs lining the booth, there were no "drop dead sexy" showings of the Air Port, no announcement of the 17 inch iMac, no G4 PowerBooks, etc. They showed off the OS X "Client" software - and it was pretty cool. Transparent drop-down menus (so you can see the video you're playing in the background), HUGE icons everywhere, a new Finder that will do a scrolling view (to the right) of folder contents... oh yes, the three little "stoplight" buttons in the upper left; green for "open", yellow for "show title only" and red for "close." (http://www.apple.com/macosx/)

There were many major Mac software vendors who just didn't show up - and those who did seemed to have only incremental upgrades to their titles. The classic was Microsoft. The Internet Explorer 5.0 demo was 5 minutes - showing off the new COLORS on the browser ("Yes, if you want blueberry, you got blueberry. If you want Tangerine - you got it!"), a couple of very cool new drag-and-drop features, and 10 minutes playing a lame game show that asked questions like; "What product lets you create cells and columns" (answer: Excel). Internet Explorer 5.0 was also named best of show... 'nuf said. There was a woman in one booth dressed as a printer (NO KIDDING!) - and another booth had a live jazz band. Ouch.

Maybe I'm expecting too much. I long for the "good old days" where seeing everything in the show would require 2 or 3 days. Where you scoured every single booth because sometimes you'd find extremely cool software written by a couple of guys in their garage just starting out. Where ALL the major software vendors would hold their "big" announcements for the show. A time when computers came in two colors; beige and black (NeXT). A time when losing $5 million a quarter was a BAD thing and the only companies with over a billion dollar market valuation were names like Coca Cola, Time Warner, etc.

Maybe next year I'll just fly up for the day.

DevCon-A-Rama

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

Whoa - I can't believe how fast time flies! It's been five months since my last column... For those of you who read this column (bless you all!), I sincerely apologize for the long delay in getting "back into the swing" of things.

A lot has happened in the past few months:

• ClickWare merged with Stratisoft
  
  
• I've been shuttling back and forth between the Stratisoft headquarters in London
  
  
• I've been busy honing my skills with Oracle, Microsoft SQL Server 7.0, ASP (Active Server Pages), IIS (Microsoft Internet Information Server), ColdFusion, Lasso 3.5... well, you get the picture.
  
  

Besides all of the great technology stuff I've been working with - I've had the pleasure of meeting tons of new FileMaker developers all around the world. It's extremely exciting to meet people from Holland, Australia, England, France, Sweden, South Africa, etc. and talk about the ins-and-outs of FileMaker. It's amazing that everyone I've spoken to has the same problems/workarounds and basically the same feature requests: faster, better, and SOON! More on that subject in a moment...

Also, I had the opportunity to speak at this year's FileMaker Developer's Conference in San Diego. I believe the official attendance was around 1,500 people (almost DOUBLE last year's attendance)! It was a truly amazing sight. Wall-to-wall FileMaker enthusiasts from every walk of life. I personally spoke to policemen, firemen, school teachers, state government officials, in-house corporate developers, well-known FMP developers, new FSA members all gathered in one place - AWESOME.

I spoke on several subjects - Beginning Web, Intermediate Web, and "16 FileMaker Pro Secrets You've Just Gotta' Have" (co-lead with famous and fabulous Marc Norman of Prefix). We had near standing room only crowds for all the sessions - and I HOPE everyone who attended any of the sessions learned something new and/or cool.

In addition to the conference sessions, I also co-taught a Stratisoft post-conference training session on ODBC with the Jan Aleman (better known as Taff) of PDM the makers of the ODBC Plug-In for FileMaker. After resolving some initial technical snafus - the class went well. I even learned something from Jan about the ODBC plug-in that I didn't know before! In the class we learned all about the plug-in technology; ODBC and how it works; and we even built a fully-functional, cross-platform user interface in FileMaker that searched, added, updated and deleted data in a SQL Server 7.0 database running on a NT machine. Cool stuff!

Enough about me. The absolute highlight of the show for me was when FMI demonstrated the new 5.0 version. Unlike other NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement) sessions that were held in the past, FMI really delivered the goods in regards to 5.0. They showed the new Web Companion and all the groovy technology that it supported, as well as the new features of the 5.0 application, they even showed (via video) the new FileMaker Pro 5.0 Server. Now, since that entire session was under non-disclosure, I can't really go into heavy details about what was said - but if you read the rumors floating about on Mac The Knife or you were lucky enough to catch the stuff posted on the Apple Insider before it got pulled... all I can say that there was that and more.

On a different note, for those "propeller heads" (techno-geeks) out there - I find the new technologies supported by IE 5.0 (especially on the Windows platform and coming "in fall" to Mac OS) especially interesting. The new buzz is XML and if I were interested in using some cutting edge technologies - I'd run out an get a book on XML. Although only IE 5.0 on Windows (at the time of this writing) supports a XML parser on the client, there are ways to use XML with IIS and ASP to deliver HTML out to any browser. Since FileMaker 5.0 will support being a ODBC datasource (see the public beta of the new FMP ODBC drivers at: http://www.filemaker.com/products/odbc/preview.html) I predict that we'll all be seeing many more uses for XML in the days and months to come... so you might want to start learning about it SOON.

Thunder Down Under

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

G'day mates! I just got back from a trip to the land "down under", and let me tell you - there are some extremely excited FileMaker folks there.

Before I get to the details - let me apologize for the length of time that has elapsed since my last column. Between my newly minted Oracle skills and a whirlwind travel schedule, I allowed outside distractions (like keeping the lights on!) distract me from updating this homespun rant. I pledge to keep the updates coming on a more timely schedule in the future.

As I was saying, my wife, Brenda, and I just completed a two week adventure to the lovely land down under. After an extremely trying plane trip (3 movies, 4 sitcoms, 2 meals, 3 snacks and 14 hours) we arrived (at MIDNIGHT) to find out that the hotel was not expecting us for another three days. In typical Aussie customer service-driven fashion they leaped tall building in a single bound to accommodate us. We were granted a room with a hot shower (a GOD SEND) and a comfortable bed (chocolate mints on the pillows).

After sleeping a whopping five hours, my wife and I awoke to the full moon splendor of Darling Harbour (yes, I know - but that's how THEY spell it!). We walked out of the plush hotel (Park Plaza) across the street to the newly remodeled harbor boardwalk for a preliminary look-see. We were greeted by over 150 young people exiting a nightclub (quite sober - drinking WATER) at 6:00am and we instantly fell in love with the beautiful, tranquil city of Sydney. We walked around for about an hour, then had an "interesting" breakfast at a local eatery. When we asked for coffee, we were assaulted (in a nice way) by the dozens of choices ("short black, tall black, short white, capuccino, capuccino with milk, etc., etc., etc.). Being the Aussie "newbie", I asked for "just plain coffee". I received a nice steaming mug of... well... mud. I mean this coffee could strip paint! Normally a black coffee drinker, I doused my beverage in fresh cream and sugar (in neato pixie-stick-like packaging), and even then I was bouncing off the walls.

Being the consummate "tourista" we proceeded to the Sydney opera house, the Sydney Harbour Bridge and the trendy boutique neighborhood "The Rocks", finally settling at the FABULOUS bay side restaurant "The Oyster Bar." We enjoyed a Lobster Salad (I mean fresh-off-the-boat 1/2 a Lobster and some salad) with an exquisite bottle of Australian white wine, a beer, coffee and dessert (about $50US), returned to the hotel and crashed.

We were met my by our most gracious FMI representative (Steve McManus) at the airport at 6:15 am and were on the plane to Melbourne at 7:00am. We arrived in Melbourne and were whisked away via hired car (a taxi with no sign on top) to our hotel (the All Seasons Premier Grand Hotel). I put my bags down, and caught another taxi to a customer meeting (with our friends at "Customers for Life" in Cantebury). From there it was back to the hotel for a quick in-room rehearsal and then off to the Melbourne FSA meeting at yet another BEAUTIFUL hotel in downtown Melbourne (the Rockmans Regency Hotel).

WOW. What a meeting! Let me tell you - these FSA members were dressed for success. FMI provided pre dinner cocktails (VERY nice touch!) in the hotel lobby bar and the INCREDIBLE PR team from Kinetics Pty Ltd (THANK YOU Jody Lennon and Matina "don't call me Matilda" Mrakovcic) set up our computers and arranged all the last-minute details that combined to make the evening a terrific success. There were over 30 hard-core FMP developers in attendance and we all had a very nice time.

After the meeting it was back into a taxi, back to the hotel (around midnight), and up the next morning for two FileMaker Inc Conferences at the Melbourne Convention Center. As I awoke at 5:30am in preparation for a 7:00 am rehearsal, I was met in the lobby by the tireless Steve McManus as well as the ever-ready Aussie Webmaster Steve McDonnell. These guys were FRESH and READY to go. I mean, my gosh, you would think they had 10 hours sleep...

We did two seminars in Melbourne - one at 9:00am, and one at 2:00pm. I was only one tiny part of the team - there were four presenters in all. I talked about ODBC connectivity (using my G3 PowerBook I imported data from an Oracle 8 Enterprise database and Excel to create a mail merge letter, and showed some graphic tips and tricks), I was followed by Steve McDonnell who showed off FileMaker to Web connectivity (using Instant Publishing and HomePage 3.0 - truly an INSPIRING DEMO!), followed by a "tea" break (coffee, tea, and cookies... ummm... I mean "biscuits"), then the trainer extrodinare Ardsley McNeilly and the talented CD-to-FMP team from Debrany's in Singapore.

After returning to the hotel at 7:00pm we took a taxi to the airport for the 8:15pm flight back to Sydney. Wednesday night I did a seminar at the Apple Headquarters in Sydney along with the presentation team - and fell into bed at 10:00pm on Wednesday night. I was at the Powerhouse Museum at 8:15am (I was supposed to be there at 7:00am but I had a BAD sore throat and head cold) only to find out that the AV completely screwed up (couldn't project the computers to the screen). Thanks to Jodi Lennon and her team from Kinetics Pty Ltd (AGAIN!) they had a cab waiting to get a projector from a local dealer (along with a technician) and got us back on track - all before the 9:00am deadline.

After a rip-roaring two seminar sessions (ending at 5:30pm), we got in yet another taxi, and went to yet another beautiful hotel (the Park Hyatt Hotel) for the Sydney FSA meeting. These folks are FIRED UP about FileMaker! I met a lot of fun, interesting, and TALENTED developers who were (and are) true FileMaker fanatics. We had a wonderful pre-meeting cocktail hour, followed by yet another great presentation by Jodi Lennon and Steve McManus. Then it was my turn.

In typical style, I was a bit BRASH (I know, it's hard to believe), but I hope the presentation was relevant. Many thanks to Bob, Charmaine, and Patrick of BCP Distribution (the outfit that fulfills all the FileMaker orders in the Pacific Rim) - you were all incredibly good sports and I thank you for the great conversation and your incredible hospitality. At the end of my Robin Williams inspired diatribe, Steve McManus was kind enough to present me with an EXTREMELY COOL FileMaker watch. Needless to say, I was AGAIN completely blown away by the kindness, hospitality, and excitement from both my hosts and the FSA members. After a quick nightcap at the Marriott bar next door it was back to the hotel and a good night's sleep.

The next day (Friday), I wasn't feeling my best, but Brenda and I "managed" to have a great lunch at a local pub (don't order a burger with "the lot" or they'll put an EGG on your burger!!) and then explored a local casino. Las Vegas - look out! This air-conditioned mecca (which is why we even bothered in the first place) is very much like Las Vegas - except you have to pay for drinks (even when gambling) and the slot machines (called "Pokies") are DIFFICULT to figure out (even for a programmer!) - we had a great time. Brenda even won $350 AU! Cool!

From there, we were the guests of Steve McManus (and family - including dog "Buddy") and I was fortunate enough to be part of the crew for the final yacht race of the season (Steve is a HUGE sailing fan). WHAT AN EXPERIENCE! Two minutes of hell (when we "tacked" into the wind, or put up the big "kite" sail) and ten to fifteen minutes of heaven (sailing between the course pylons).We came in 4th (out of 32 boats) and FIRST in Steve's club - which was good enough to earn him the club championship! Boy, what a FANTASTIC experience!

As soon as we got back to the dock, Steve and I jumped into the car and met our wives at the "Footies" (Football or "Rugby" as my Aussie friends refer to it). Now, I must tell you - this is a no-holds-barred ballroom BRAWL! This makes the NFL look like a game for WOMEN. Basically - you get 6 "downs" and there are NO TIMEOUTS or breaks. Once you get tackled (and I mean TACKLED! - there was literally blood flowing from heads, knees, lips and arms!) you immediately pass the ball to a team mate and they then get their asses kicked, and so on and so on. What we call a "touchdown" is not as easy. You have to PLANT the ball in the endzone - no plant, no "TRY" (touchdown). WOW.

The beers were COLD and the pies (like Swanson Pot Pies - just no tins) were HOT, and the action was great. The only wrinkle was that the entire event was sponsored by Pepsi - and in typical YANK fashion - they overdid the sponsorship bit (i.e the sky divers at half time and the Pepsi cheerleaders with painted-on uniforms and a Pepsi logo on their asses...).

On Sunday we went on a "Bushwalk".. and I thought it would be a nice nature walk of a mile or so... but NO! It was a LONG walk (took 4 1/2 hours!!) and I was bushed. On Monday morning Brenda and I flew to Coolangatta (an hour north of Sydney) on the Gold Coast of Australia. Steve and his wife (name concealed to protect the innocent) graciously lent their timeshare condo to Brenda and I for the week. WOW!! Now I can't tell you the exact place we stayed (I'm under strict non-disclosure for fear that everyone in the WORLD would mob the place), but I CAN tell you that the bay we overlooked was FABULOUS. The water was 78 degrees and crystal clear. The surf was 4 to 5 feet and was excellent. I can also report that the food, surf, wine, local beers and Steve's EXTREMELY tolerant and FUN friends were without question the HIGHLIGHTS of the trip.

In conclusion, if you haven't been - GO TO AUSTRALIA - it's lovely! To my new mates down under - good onya and thanks for a fair dinkum time!

Out With the Old, In With the New!

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

Happy New Year!!!

As the pre-Y2K festivities around the world begin in earnest, and every single show on television features its Year-In-Review episode, I too wanted to take a moment and reflect on the past, revel in the present and prognosticate on the future.

1998 brought a lot of change:

As the winter leaves fell from the trees, so Claris dropped all its consumer products and became FileMaker Inc. (FMI), and FileMaker Pro became 4.1. Along with the new name and logo came many new faces, and lots of changes within the organization. The painful transition caused quite an upheval in both the developer community as well as marketplace. Seeing many of my friends and cohorts at Claris being laid off by the dozens was very difficult. However, the resulting company is now focused on a single product, and, in theory, should be a lot more responsive to the developer community and the general marketplace. I caught a small glimpse of this new focus at the HUGE turnout for the third annual Developer's Conference in Monterey. The conference goers were (and are, from what I can tell) enthusiastic and the mood was optimistic about FileMaker's future (both the company, and the product).

The Web - basically everything changed. From tools for developing content to servers, to mergers (AOL and Netscape - who knew?), to Mr. Bill being center stage in yet ANOTHER Federal probe, the only thing consistent about the Web in 1998 is that it was (and is) a constantly changing landscape.

At ClickWare, we left behind our "terrible twos", released our most popular product to date - ClickStats Pro, created the ClickWorld web site, folded the ClickWorld website into this site, completed the technical editing of the first year of the FileMaker Advisor Magazine and in general, had a great year.

1999 will continue to be a year of change:

The merger fever of overvalued Web companies will continue, as well as the bevy of newly incompatible browser versions.

FileMaker Inc is rumored (according to MacTheKnife - http://www.mactheknife.com) to have a new release in the works - including a new Server version and a new Developer Edition. Hopefully, FMI will "lift the kimono" a bit higher at the upcoming MacWorld in San Francisco, to give us all a glimpse of what the new version will look like.

Hopefully, 1999 will see XML will catch on and the good folks at FMI will give us a way to use XML with FileMaker. Again, hopefully, FMI will also provide more ODBC functionality (i.e. FileMaker as an ODBC data source, FileMaker WRITE OUT SQL, etc.)...

ClickWare has a number of new products in development - slated for release by early summer. We are also on verge of becoming an Oracle Certified Applications Developer - so watch for more SQL tips and goodies (also contact us if you need Oracle and/or FileMaker Pro custom development).

And finally, I want to thank the thousands of you who continue to visit this site, and for all your great suggestions and comments. We want to continue to be a leading resource for FileMaker information in 1999 and beyond - thanks for your continued support.

Virtuosity

Editor's NOTE: This is a moldie oldie that I pulled from a text dump archive. None of the links will work anymore (or 99% won't) - but the names and companies have NOT changed.

So I'm in day 3 of a 5 day, $2,000 Oracle training class in Costa Mesa - between the packed classroom, complimentary expresso and deli-fresh bagels - I have an epiphany: FileMaker ROCKS!

Don't get me wrong - if you want to run an ATM, or you have a million or so records to process - a SQL based RDBMS (Relational DataBase Management System) is the way to go. For EVERYTHING else - just use FileMaker.

Take a class in one of these gigantic database systems - and you'll find out how much we take for granted in FileMaker. Like finds. Like WYSIWYG (mostly) reporting. Like data entry screens. Like the ability to assign elements different colors. Like ScriptMaker. Like defining calculation fields. Like... well... everything else!

For example - do a find in FileMaker for all customers in California or Florida with a balance due greater than $5000. The FileMaker way: Choose "Find" from the "Mode" menu - enter "CA" into the state field and "5000" in the "Balance Due" field, choose "Duplicate" from the "Mode" and change "CA" to "FL" - click continue. Done.

Now the Oracle way - first, go to the COMMAND LINE program (SQL*Plus), and enter the following:

select * from c.customers, i.invoices where sum(i.bal_due) > 5000 and (c.state = 'FL' or c.state = 'CA') and c.customers = i.cust_num

This is assuming you know what the fields are (you can use desc customers and desc invoices), and you have to know how to do an equijoin... etc., etc.

Now, TRAIN all your employees and customer's employees to do this kind of query. Even IF you do get the syntax correct - that's not the report - it just "prints to screen". If you want a report (god forbid!), there's another 3 day class on how to write SQL to get the report back. And, if you want a "Data Entry" layout - there are TWO more 4 day classes for the "easy-to-use" forms designer... OUCH!

Of course Oracle can run on just about anything - minis, Unix, NT, Linux, etc. (NOT Mac OS) and it can support 25,000 users (PLUS), and has the ability to manage up to 512 petrobyes (512,000 GIGAbytes)... BIG iron, BIG development costs and time, BIG databases. Which brings me to the point of this column:

The beautiful Oracle training center had Dell NT Workstations connected to a Sun server (in the Bay Area) via multiple T-1's and T-3's. We learned, then practiced our little examples, and the performance was VERY good. However, due to the fact that it was TWO people per computer (and my "training buddy" was less than cooperative) - I wanted to practice in my hotel room. I got back to the hotel, fired up NT Server 4.0, fired up Oracle Enterprise Edition, and was able to practice to my little heart's content. Did I mention that I don't have PC laptop? I do, however have an APPLE G3 PowerBook - and that's what I ran Oracle and NT Server on! Yep - Virtual PC 2.01 does it again. You can bet that lugging ONE computer is THE way to go. I'm planning on loading Linux and BeOS as well...